Nothing lasts forever

I'm definitely in a regrouping phase now.  I did a 34-kilometer bike ride Sunday morning, a mostly-easy 70-minute paddle Tuesday, and a 33-km bike ride today.  That's the nature of my physical activity these days.

It's tempting to think that this has been a "light" year, seeing as how I haven't attended but three races.  But the reality is that I've spent the last eight months working very hard.  It started last December, when I got going in earnest to prepare for my trip to South Africa at the end of January.  When I returned from that trip on February 1, I turned my attention to the race at Ocean Springs in late March and laid down a solid body of work.  I backed off a bit during the month of April, but then spent May and June building the fitness, power, and speed I would need for the race in the Columbia Gorge.

It hasn't been easy.  I've struggled with feelings of low energy, and my weight continues to be down a bit.  Tests I've had done at the doctor's office have revealed no problems, and I wonder if I'm not just getting old and past my prime... tough to accept for any athlete who's spent his life looking at times and speeds and so on.

I recently heard an interviewer say to Jasper Mocke, "Complete this sentence: 'I am a paddler because...'"  Jasper replied, "'...I need to be.'"  I think that's as good a reason as any for why I'm a paddler, too.  And maybe this sounds weird, but I've spent my life thinking things "need" to be a certain way.  When I started running track and cross country in high school it had been a few years since any distance runners from my school had advanced to the state meet, and I felt that I "needed" to correct that.  Later on, once I'd moved back to my hometown and gotten more serious about canoe and kayak racing, I saw that my city was not exactly a hotbed for racers, and I felt a "need" to remedy that, too.

And so that's what I've been trying to do for the last several decades.  I wouldn't say I've had brilliant success--I'm not a world-class talent and I've never been a contender to make national teams or anything like that.  But I've had a modicum of success in regional races over the years and I've made sure there's at least one person down on the Memphis riverfront paddling a boat with all the effort, technical precision, and wisdom he has in him.

Now I'm wondering if I still have the desire to go out and do hard workouts and make myself hurt for diminishing results.  Certainly I should have known all along that I won't be able to go out and clock certain times forever, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept that maybe the aging process is slowing me down to a noticeable degree.  The reality is that the world will keep going about its daily business regardless of whether Elmore Holmes can average 5 minutes per kilometer, and somehow I need to find a way to get over myself and keep enjoying those aspects of the sport that remain accessible.

I do have a race coming up pretty soon, August 20 on the Cumberland River at Burkesville, Kentucky.  My friend Scott from Louisville has invited me to do it with him in a tandem surfski.  I certainly plan to give it my best--I never want to let a tandem partner down--but I'm not likely to put as much pressure on myself as I do when paddling solo.  Hopefully we'll just have a lot of fun, and I need that more than anything right now.

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